Hi Guys,
I wanted to reach out to all four of you, because I've felt comfortable confiding in you guys whenever I have had a tough time. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It was almost a culmination of events and experiences that have made up my year. I was almost fired from my job for having bad judgment in trying to make something work that likely would not have had a chance. Rather than bring up the problem at the beginning, I hoped to cover my own ass by letting the situation play out and hoping it would work out fine. Unfortunately, it didn't. I cost the company time and resources because I was too afraid of getting ripped into several weeks ago, but at least it would have been the right judgment call and I could have made up for it later. My boss had a heart-to-heart with me after a meeting we had where all of the poor decisions and lack of detail came to light. Those issues mainly fall on me, because I am the manager of the department.
To preface this a bit, my boss and I have a history. He actually hired me for my first professional job in Milwaukee. We had similar backgrounds academically and got along very well. He left that company 3 years after I was hired there, and then "lured" me away to the company that I now work at. It's been almost 6 years here at the company I work at. I've never doubted he has had my best interest in mind and is a great mentor for me. So when I make bad decisions that let him down, I take it very hard. During our discussion I said that my poor decisions were largely in part of my attitude. I had lost my "fight" and fulfillment. There have been several things that may have contributed to this. One of my workers suffered a stroke back in April and had to retire. Luckily he is recovering well, but that brought back some terrible experiences when my wife suffered hers in 2018. It was a big hit to my department, because he was a 31-year employee of the company and someone who I found to be extremely reliable and innovative. I also mentioned the difficulty my wife has had this year with neurological pain. It's common for someone who has had a traumatic brain injury to go through nerve pain. What's difficult is how helpless it makes you feel, because it's not like a muscle ache where you can do stretching, exercises, massaging or applying ice/heat to help. We have had to rely on the right combination of medicine to help, with assistance from a pain specialist and neurologist. Her pain gets so bad that she can't make it out of bed and there are some weekends where she really can't do much. The good news is that she seems to be turning a corner and we may have something that can help her manage her pain better.
After telling him this he told me that I should go home for the day and reflect. I should try to find that fulfillment again and get back my fight. On a side note, I couldn't go home because my car was in the shop as I was sitting there in my office. After I told him that, we both laughed hysterically given the irony of that. I worked out the rest of my day and picked up my car later that afternoon.
On the way to work this morning, I put on No Code. I was only about 15 minutes away from work, so I listened to Sometimes into Hail, Hail, then flipped to Red Mosquito and finished Lukin as I was pulling into the parking lot at work. I turned off the engine and sat in my car and listened to Present Tense. This song has always been a song that has helped me reflect on my past and then bring me back to the present. I don't know how today will go. It may be another difficult day, but I am hopeful I can find my fulfillment again and be a responsible husband, friend, coworker and boss.
Forced to endure, what I could not forgive,
Chris
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