January 15, 2019: Retrospective

Hi Brad and Brad,

Tonight marks one year ago to the day where Morgan and I's lives were changed. Her life obviously much more affected than mine. Today was a difficult day to get through. I was diagnosed with PTSD from the events that happened one year ago (also other events that transpired over the next several weeks). For the most part, the post-traumatic stress didn't haunt me. However, at various time points today I did find myself needing reassurance by hearing Morgan's voice. The moment where I needed it most was on the drive home from Madison to Milwaukee. That was the 75-minute drive this time last year, where I didn't think anything of her not picking up the phone on my way home. Hearing her pick up on my way home tonight overwhelmed me and triggered a release of emotion. After I was able to compose myself again, I put No Code on to listen to. I mentioned several months ago that had become my Soundtrack of 2018. It helped provide me an equilibrium in a time where my mind was beginning to spiral. Every time I get to "Present Tense" I begin to look back on events in my past. That song has a way of putting me into a mode of respective, not only of the last 12 months, but also much farther back in my life.

I think about why I always find myself reaching back to the early 90's when I am feeling overwhelmed. It represented a time in my life where every thing was simpler, even though living in my early teen years, nothing seemed simple. I always think to myself while looking back, "If I had known then, what I know now (Red Mosquito)." What's funny is that back then I felt misunderstood, out of place and in most places I didn't really fit in. Now in my later 30's I still feel very much the same. Pearl Jam and a lot of the other music back then was something I could put on head phones and just play the music so loud that it seemed like every thing else around me couldn't judge me loud enough for me to hear. I've always had a better time focusing on the task in front of me when I have music half-way destroying my ear drums. That's probably why in a fit of imbalance tonight, cranking No Code was able to get me through the last hour of my commute.

Forced to endure, what I could not forgive,

Chris

Comments

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